I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
