she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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