My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Bring me that man meat
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
