I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
