I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
