The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
