im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
