I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
