gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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