I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
