Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
