i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
