when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
