Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
