wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
