My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
