I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
