We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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