last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize