Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
