i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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