I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
