I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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