I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
