I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
