We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
