I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
