you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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