I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
