Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
