If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
