Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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