if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
