I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize