I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
