No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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