I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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