I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
