i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
