No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
