Where are you?
In a non slutty way
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
