I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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