Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
