Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
