If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize