you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
