you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
