He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Can Purell be used as lube?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
