I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
