You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
