why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize