I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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