The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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