I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
