Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
