she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
