is your mom at the bar?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
